getting angry

See, I have a friend--a good friend--one who's been with me since last year--one who's candid and open and unendingly opinionated--one who makes mistakes like the best of us and will own up to them--one who believes that the only way to make things happen, to really make things change, is to get angry. And he's angry at the school. So, he tries to encourage his students to make change by making them angry enough that they want it. Or, at least the smart kids, he says. He says that what he's trying to do is get the kids to break out of the lie that they've been fed by the administrative body. He does this, and he also puts his race out there by playing the role of "white oppressor." He does it in order to get the kids angry, not necessarily at him, but at certain injustices that "he" is the cause of. His goal is anger. And he achieves it.

I've had a lot of conversation about this lately, and I've come to some conclusions about it. See, whenever he tells me about this stuff--and he confronted me about this, saying that I tend to question his motives a lot, looking at him strangely and not saying anything--it makes me unendingly uncomfortable. And, through conversations with friends, I've realized why:

Most of this discomfort with his style is that I feel that he is playing a part, and tends to manipulate his students into believing in his agenda, however socially just it may be. In a way, another friend said to me, it is "inception." But, the most important thing here is that he is trying to get students angry in order to recognize injustice in the world. His is not a problem of action, rather, or recognition. My thing is not necessarily recognition, rather, action. I want students to have recognized and researched and become passionate about a problem in society, and then change it. I'm about empowerment and action, he's about empowerment in recognition. He is the yang to my yin.

So what does this mean in terms of my own teaching? I want kids to recognize things, but it's never on my official agenda because that's not what I'm teaching, and I don't always have the opportunities to do it. I can't quite put my race out there because there's not much to be provocative about in Read 180, unfortunately. All content is a means to an end goal: being able to read well. I guess I need to find some sort of yang to complete my yin in my community service club...what does it take to recognize a problem in the world?

is it me, or is it them?

I think one of the things, personally, that I do when it comes to my job is take things personally. Not on the kids side, rather, the things that they say are either funny, ridiculous or annoying (See side note: today in new MS class, I have regained some ground by, instead of high fiving a student, giving him a high elbow--again, what I love about MS is the pure willingness they have to do simple, silly things). This whole switch to MS thing, how can I not take this personally, as if the admin has not much else to do than throw teachers on one place on a whim just simply because they can.

This is hard to swallow, but, it's not me, it's them. It's going to take me a very long time to realize this...it's how the school operates: they make things shitty for teachers, because that's just how they think things should be run. They do it in the name of certain things (data, etc), and, perhaps they're right in some respects; but, I don't think I'll ever quite "win" because there's nothing to win. Maybe that's what I've been thinking about for such a long time. That there's a fight to win, that I can control what my job is. But it's not about that. It's about them being the boss, me being the employee.

It'll take some time, I suppose. Do I sound defeatist?

well, here we go again

So, to compound the non-sense that happens in my school, I've been taken out of AP, and put into a MS class again, this time with the added bonus of not being the middle schooler's original teacher.

The full story (before I gotta go to bed): I was pulled out of AP so that the school could create another class of 10th grade Read 180. I was quite fine with that, seeing that having Read 180 be the number one class I have to do means that I would have a) a life outside of school and b) MUCH less work. Wunderbar. So what happened in the interim? I honestly can't tell you--I was told that I was going to be a sub for the MS R180 teacher, since he's sick. I was OK with that, since I thought the 10th grade class would take a bit of time to set up, and it was just a quick one-shot subbing thing. Turns out this is (most likely) going to become my permanent placement for first period. What's even crazier about this situation is that there is a substitute present in the classroom while I am in the classroom. So, the question begs to be asked: why am I actually in there?

According to the powers that be, they need someone who "knows the program inside and out" in the room and doing the Read 180 stuff, etc. Personally, the hell with it...if they have a sub, they have a sub. So, I tried to collaborate; tried to have a meeting about this, but there's no real talking to the administration once their minds have been arbitrarily made up.

So, my observation is tomorrow, and all I pray is that it is not in the middle school class that I cannot control because I just stepped in two days ago. This is the one thing I pray for, either third or fourth period.

this....really is how our meetings go

I remember an innocent time, a time when collaborative planning meant you take one or two days out of your week during prep (because it was possible, since copies could be made the day of, in the morning), and you spoke to your colleagues about students that were having trouble (because you had them all (though this was middle school) and you brainstormed together how to get things done; that you didn't need to have an administrator around with you as your team planned; that you could ask the science teacher to work with you on some writing assignments and help support the theme you were exploring; when it wasn't about challenges and support and process, it was about a warm, if not sometimes frustrated, feeling towards each other, knowing that stuff would get done.

Going to the AP training a couple Fridays ago (I'm teaching AP English as well as Read 180) was a revelation, and broke me out of the rut of process. I suddenly remembered what studying was like in college, and was over-joyed to talk with my teachers from our school, as well as some other teachers, about the AP test and follow the instructor's directions toward examining the questions and figuring out how to answer and understand them. It was refreshing. This, however, is not. It makes me sad to be faced with this reality, but the question here is not, "Well, I'm trapped, so I might as well eat dirt, cause that's what they're feeding me" rather, "OK, I know the system...how the hell do I get the support I need from an administration that will only criticize? How do I work the system?"

Either way, shit's really annoying...take a peek:

so, i understand...

that I haven't posted in, what, a month, possibly two. I also understand that much's been left out here. Needless to say, the wonderful feeling I had a while back has subsided, and I'm dealing with some organizational crises here. So this is a shout-out to all my teacher peeps out there: I'm looking for a system. How do you all keep your stuff together? Do you have things in drawers, in files, in folders, strewn about on your desk? How do you all keep it together? I'm strapped for ideas, and I'm struggling to pull it all together.

Plus, this TAS business is going to drive me up the wall. Have you all been up to date on this business? For those who don't know, TAS means Teacher Assessment Something-or-Other. Basically, the school AND each department comes up with certain goals with which their success will be measured. Now, this seems like a fine and great idea, but in some cases, the percentages work out such that, if you were to hit only one percent below your goal, you will get a 1 on your rating. Strictly speaking, that is an unfair technicality. I mean, to say the least. Whatever. It's harder on the English (myself) and the Math (not myself) teachers, because A LOT of their success is riding on DC CAS and other factors like PSATS, interim tests, and other such stuff. Their stake is much, much, much higher.

To make it even more complicated, the SCHOOL's TAS goals are even more ridiculous, and they are linked to the "commitment to school community" section of the IMPACT score. Because they design those goals, they're practically unattainable, and therefore restrict most of the teachers in the school from ever receiving a four. It makes my blood boil, but I like to keep my head down low. So, needless to say things're reaaaally not getting better this year. Or, at least, are posing different, if no less difficult, challenges.

Speaking of challenges and IMPACT, Michelle Rhee just resigned!! HOLY SHIT. More on that as news breaks and things go ASPLODE!!! inside this whole DCPS system. Everybody ready? aaaaaand, ASPLODE!

the new year cometh, i mean the Jewish one

Fastly approaching is the Jewish New Year and Day of Return (atonement, as I learned at a workshop, is more of a Christian idea (no offense Christians, but it is) (maybe it's not return, but something like that). Anyhow, this means that there's gotta be some sort of reflection and such.

So, in general: the year before me: not terrible, but DAMN it was difficult, stressful and terrible at times. Rewarding at others, but damn. This year, so far, I've had good experiences, and now that I'm teaching an AP English comp class (did I mention this? As of last Sat...yikes!), I've been much happier. I know what to expect. So, I'm hoping for a continuation of this, and hoping that my Read 180 classes will enjoy more success than last year. We've got some real shit with this new IMPACT system and the fulfillment of goals and all that business, which is ridic and unfair and makes me feel a tad nervous. Apparently Rhee has said, "Go hard, or go home." Whatever.

In general, I'm hoping for a year of more rest, more productivity, and most of all more balance. This'll work itself out somehow. Ohhmmmmmmmm........

Baby got back?

School starts tomorrow, and I'm not ready yet. This year I've had to set up two rooms, since I'm still split between two grades. What's a little more ridiculous is that the other room isn't shared--I'm alone--for one period. So, it's a Read 180 room! I've got my books, new rFlex books; now I just need to figure out what my classroom shape is going to be and all that business.

By the way, I don't remember if I'd mentioned this, but I had interviewed at a few schools, all of which sent me the "sorry, but..." letter. It's really unfortunate, but I feel like I'll be starting on a new footleafhorsewhateverthemetaphoris at my old school.

Today's project: buying notebooks, pens & pencils, and whatever else may seem fit for a Read 180 room; more planning for the first week & copying the actual syllabus (gulp); rearranging my room.

Another yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!