why i will never be black

A long while ago, when I first started this blog, I had this huge piece of sadness that occurred to me one day when a paraprofessional back in MA started talking to the kids in street, to help the kids along in a concept. It may not necessarily make me sad in the way of, "oh, that's depressing, he's talking street," it was more of a "wow, I will never know how to do that, nor will I ever be able to relate to my students in that way."

Race is powerful, and it's even more powerful when you look at yourself and you realize that there's something you just won't ever be or get, because you're not black/Latino/Asian/American Indian, whichever. It makes me sad that I can't ever connect to my African American kids like the other African American teachers can...I don't have the language, the attitude, or the understanding.

Today, the guidance counselor helped dispel a kid's anger about getting rid of his carrots (which I knew he was going to eat in class and/or throw) by just taking him by the arm, guiding him along the hall and covering his face. She moved in this ridiculously fluid motion, saying, "Nah, nah," making him laugh. She moved toward him, puffing her chest out like she was going to hit him--a fake, if you know what I'm talking about--which was more than obviously a joke. He calmed down instantly. I would never have handled that that well, at least not now, and it made me extremely sad. I don't know if I'm describing this so well, but there was this air of it that really said to me, "You won't be able to do this; you can't relate like that; you're not black."

the battle with sleep continues

As vacation ends, another day begins, and another sleepless night. Man, I couldn't fall asleep again, and it's driving me insane. Why is sleep so erratic in my life? My guess is the anticipation and anxiety of starting another (the last) quarter at school. I'm dreading it, which is terrible, but I've built it up as such a terrible place that I don't think I can make it otherwise. Because, honestly, I'm just not that into it anymore. That's sort of a bad thing to say, but I just feel it.

Anyhow, I'm applying to new schools--got some cover letters and resume done. I applied to two charters, and am looking into other public schools. We'll see how that goes. Let's hope that gets me better sleep!